What's Your Pleasure
by Wendee Mason

A story about bedroom pleasure and pain.

We seek pleasure and avoid pain. For example, making love. Now, most of the time this is a pleasurable experience. But sometimes, like when I'm tired, hungry or having my period, it's more trouble than it's worth. Lets take when I'm having my period. Now, my man really likes this because he doesn't have to slap on a KING-TITE condom. Condoms are bad because he says it's like wearing an inner tube. So we have a five day window of opportunity to nookie up a storm, rubber-less. Now, I can sympathize with his complaint, and I recognize his urgency to go at it as soon as the first drop falls, but let's consider me for a moment.

I have just had seven days of the worst PMS witchiness, backache, bloating and weight gain. I thought I would get used to this week from hell, but it just keeps getting worse as I get older. The next event happens simultaneously. I lose five pounds, my backache is replaced by severe cramps and I turn from a witch into a cry baby. And Joe wants to do the deed NOW! OK, you get the red towel, I'll pull back the bedspread, you get the glass of water, I'll get the vibrator, you get the oil, I'll get the hand towel, you put the answer machine on one ring, I'll lock the front door, you close the windows and pull down the bedroom blinds, I'll turn off the TV, you get a wet wash cloth, I'll get the steamy book to read from, and you get aroused. 

NOW I'M NOT IN THE MOOD! Am I the only one this happens to? Where's the romance? Where's the music? Where's the spontaneity?

It would be a whole lot easier for me to take my trusty super duper extra power-packed turbo charged vibrator (which doubles as a margarita mixer) and lock myself in the bathroom for 30 seconds. By the time we get organized I could have gone to heaven and back a dozen times.

OK, now we're in bed and he lays down next to me. A little kiss on the cheek and I announce that I am not kissing his porcupine face one more time unless he shaves. Doesn't he know I have class tonight, and I don't want to show up with a red neck and face? He jumps out of bed, into the bathroom, grabs his electric shaver and in one minute he's back with a shit-eating grin on his face.

He lays back down next to me, gives me a test kiss on the lips. He passes. Then he reaches out to cuddle me and puts his cheek next to mine.

"I THOUGHT YOU JUST SHAVED! Your face feels like an old eel skin wallet!" 

"Honey, I did shave. I shaved all the strategic areas, around the lips."

For some reason, he didn't think those half inch hairs around his Adam's apple and the thick stubble bursting out of his cheeks would bother me. "Would you please go back and complete the job so I can feel your baby smooth skin, oh please?"

Two minutes later, he comes back to the room, closes the door, limp as left-over lettuce, and sits at the edge of the bed.

"What's the matter Boobalah?"

"Mr. Happy isn't so happy."

Now he wants me to make his mister happy? I have cramps, has he forgotten that? "Oh come here, let's see what we can do."

He lays on his back and I pounce on top of him like the trapeze men who fall from the bar into the net. His stomach muscles flex in response. He gives out a bellow of pain. I hold his arms above his head next to the head board. He thinks I'm going to do an S and M number on him. He smiles. I let out a juicy one on to his face by accident. I only wanted to tease him. He struggles to get free. "I hate when you do that!"

"I'm so sorry, it was an accident, I only meant to tease you and it slipped out by accident. I won't do that again, I promise."

Now I have to rub his back to make up for my gross misjudgment. "Turn over, I'll give you a little back rub and Mr. Happy will feel better."

Normally, a back rub is a sensuous act, but when your mate has more hair on his back than all the animals in the kingdom combined, it becomes a hairy mess. Do I use lotion or go au natural? Lotion will just stick all those gray and black curlies together. But at least they won't pop through my fingers as they move up his muscular back.

"Uugg, aaahhh, that feels so good. A little lower, now to the right, up just a little, that's it, right there, now scratch, harder, that's enough, you're hurting me."

"Sorry."

"Ok, would you like a back rub now?"

"No, I'm a little sleepy."

Well do you mind if I still have fun? (Remember, he only has five days without the mighty Michelin and each moment is precious.)

"No, go right ahead, I'll just lay right here"

The process starts, he moans, he groans, he asks for personal touches in various places, and in less than a minute, it's over.

"Thank you so much Boobalah, I really appreciate it. Are you OK? Would you like me to pull out Mr.  V. and buzz you?"

"No honey, for some reason, I'm just not in the mood."

See what I mean about pain and pleasure? This was less pleasure than pain. At lease we have four days left to get it right.