by Wendee Mason

I dislike dating new people. I dislike computers more, because they remind me of dating. In order to get your partner's attention, you have to turn them on. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 

One of the most frustrating things for me to do is learn a new program. I was brought up using an Etch-o-Sketch. That's as close as I came to looking at a screen until I was thirty three years old. Now I'm not saying I can't learn how to do this stuff, but the process almost killed me.

I got a word processing program from a friend, and he downloaded it (sounds like a drunk date) and said, "You're on your own". Gee thanks, I might as well fly a 747 to New York, because I have a better chance of landing one than to write a brochure with this new program. Step one: Buy a Word Perfect book to explain all I need to know. 

There are 100 different books on the subject (same as dating). Some thin, some thick, some need a dolly to wheel out to your car. I bought the thickest book for the money, figuring I need to know everything in it. I'm sure the thin books missed something I'm going to need. I bring it home, open it up, being careful not to soil it. I may take it back for a different book if I can't figure out how to read it. 

I figured the best thing I could do is to run the tutorial. Unfortunately, new dates don't come with a tutorial program. It's hands on, one mistake at a time. Tutorials are an easy one-step approach for computer dummies to go through the learning curve. Do you think I could even get the tutorial to run without going crazy? No way! I couldn't even find the program. I don't understand what to push to get it going. Just like talking to your date, the language computers use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else, unless you know the lingo.

In desperation, I called my friend. He tells me how to change directories in DOS. (DOS: Dating Opposite Sex) After following his directions, the screen shouts ERROR. (I hate it when my date tells me what I'm doing wrong.) I call the "Creator" of Word Perfect. The hot line is closed. Understanding a date's internal logic is impossible without consulting their creator.

Even my smallest mistakes are stored in my computer's (date's) long term memory for later retrieval. My friend says I need to reconfigure the computer's emulation. What is emulation? Sounds like a sexual dysfunction. My computer (date) is cause PMS (Perfectly Miserable & Sarcastic). I am a raving maniac (like when I don't go to the restaurant I want).

I want my computer to run and fix itself. I want my date to be self-sufficient.  No amount of keyboard  throwing (complaining) has yet to be effective.  I am determined to conquer my computer (dating) illiteracy. I will learn how to master this monster (date) with my $300.00 program (outfit), with my gigantic $27.00 book (hairdo), and my $3000.00 computer (facelift) and my $7.00 mouse pad (lipstick). 

The ironic thing is a pencil and paper will get the same job done with no frustration. Staying home and reading a book could be more satisfying than a bad date.

I blame my computer ignorance on my college education. I was busy learning dating techniques in college. We were forced to take a computer class in 1973. We had to sit at huge machines, slip in large index cards, and punch holes in them. Then we carried the punched-up cards to another room where a monster similar to the Wizard of Oz machine that scared Dorothy and Toto analyzes them. I blanked out what happened after that. (Ecstasy drug, I'm sure.) I don't  remember the end of the class (date). I only can recall having all those punched cards (condoms) fall from my notebook (purse) in the middle of the hall.  I always thought a typewriter (vibrator) could do the same thing with a lot less mess.

The fact that really annoys the living daylights out of me is that a ten year old is computer literate. They grew up playing with computers since birth. They can program the VCR, and set the clock on the microwave. I can't do any of these things. I need to adopt a little sister with an older brother for me to date.

Yes, it's a toss-up. Either way, if you commit to a date or a computer, you'll find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. As soon as you commit to one, you'll realize that you could have had a better model at a much better price.