Secrets About Women Every Man Should Know

By Wendee Mason

Every man wishes women came with an instruction manual. Women are complicated at times, we don’t even know what we want, or why we change our minds.

My men friends come to me for advice about women they are dating. The men are confused. They can’t read women’s signals.

My women friends come to me to complain about the man in their life. They say their man just doesn’t get what they want.

"Did you explain what you want from him?" I ask.

"If he doesn't know by now, I’m not going to explain it to him" she responds.

This attitude is short sighted ladies. Let’s help the men out. The following is an man’s instruction manual about what women want in and out of the bedroom.

So men, take notes:

Don’t leave the TV on without sound, particularly the sports channel, while making love.

Inquire whether porno videos excite her before you pop one in during your evening at your house.

Don’t answer the phone while in the middle of foreplay or making love.

Always say please and thank you.

Clean your bedroom.

Don’t wait to do the laundry when she comes over.

Don’t keep letters from other women in your desk drawer.

Get your own supply of condoms.

Buy Astroglide for both of you.

Invest in a $30 electric vibrator for mutual massages and orgasms.

Wear cologne to bed.

Iron your casual shirts.

A white cotton undershirt is not considered a casual shirt.

Always open the car door for her, and close it when she gets in in the winter, and leave it open for her in the summer when the interior is hot, let her close it herself.

Keep the bathroom clean.

Pick up the hair off the floor.

Wipe the bathroom sink of those nasty facial, ear and nose hairs.

Eliminate mold on the shower walls, shower curtain or door, in the grout, and in the door rail.

Buy a new shower caddy if rusted, or take the mold off it.

Keep your sink free of clutter.

Have a basket for the bathroom magazines.

Keep her favorite foods handy in the pantry and kitchen.

Offer to cook dinner and have her watch while sipping her favorite wine, and listening to music.

Invest in a light dimmer for the bathroom, bedroom and dining room.

Get a night light for the bathroom.

Have new matching towels, hand towels, and wash cloths ready for her use.

White towels are a plus.

Make room for her extra outfit in your closet.

Keep your mattress off the floor and invest in a real King size bed.

If you have a new girlfriend, get new sheets.

Buy at least 3 sets of 200 count cotton sheets, preferably the new t-shirt jersey sheets with matching pillow cases for each new, stain-free pillow.

If you want her to sleep over, buy her a pillow of her choice, even if it’s not your choice.

If the sheets are soiled, change them.

Don’t channel surf without asking her.

If you have her over and she hates sports on TV, don’t watch them. Record them instead and do something with her.

If she won’t watch the football game with you, decide in advance what it more important.

If she has a request for a TV program, joyfully turn the channel, hug her and watch it with her.

Send a card at least once a month to tell her you love her and how special she is.

Send flowers by surprise at least every six weeks.

Wash your floor mat on her side of the car.

Make sure the front window is clean on her side of the car.

Show her how to adjust the car temperature so she doesn’t have to ask every time.

Buy a new toothbrush for her use at your house.

Always have hair conditioner in your shower, even if you don’t use it.

Clean the toilet everyday, and don’t miss any spots.

Keep the toilet seat down.

Install a towel rack for her towel, hand, and wash cloth.

Keep an interesting magazine in the bathroom, not twenty of them.

Men: Don't Ever Do These Things

Talk about other women in her presence.

Scratch your private parts in public.

Drink so much when on the date that she has to drive home.

Forget to open doors.

Only grab a woman’s fingers during a handshake, or has a handshake only a baby could appreciate.

Look at your reflection in mirrors too long, too often, and too admiringly.

Don’t call when you says you will.

Too sexually aggressive soon after meeting a woman.

Too controlling, aggressive, or abusive.

Repeat stories, and pre-rehearse lines intended to impress.

Call women unappealing names such as chicks, babes, dames, bitches and c----.

Instead of saying romantic and seductive little nothings in her ear, he says, "Do you want to f----?"

Stacks of beer bottles and dishes in the sink.

Posters of naked women on the wall pinned up with thumb tacks.

The four food groups are not beer/wine, coke, cigarettes and pretzel mix.

Throw away or hide the Playboy and Penthouse unless you’re sure she likes them.

Wipe the finger marks off your door/walls and your bedroom and bathroom.

Have a box of Kleenex in your bedroom, bathroom and kitchen.

Always have plenty of fresh vegetables and fruits in the refrigerator.

If she drinks coffee and you don’t, buy a coffee maker and her favorite brand coffee.

Make sure she doesn’t starve while with you. Feed her every few hours, and pay for her meal.

If you have house mates, and are planning a special evening, always let them know in advance.

Buy some CD’s of her favorite music and listen to them while you’re having dinner.

Buy matching place mats and napkins.

Buy a set of matching places.

Have utensils that match.

Buy heavy quality paper napkins. Cheap paper napkins or paper towels won’t impress her.

Wait for her to sit down before you inhale your meal, unless she insists you start without her.

Don’t constantly talk about yourself and your work.

Ask a lot of questions about her, her interests, hobbies, travel, family, feelings, goals, desires, fantasies.

Always compliment her when you first see each other.

Always give her a warm, long hug, a passionately kiss, while whispering something sweet into her ear.

Do not try to sneak farts under the sheets. Get out and fart, and say excuse me.

Brush and floss and scrape your tongue the first thing in the morning, last thing at night and after every meal, even if it means you carry a toothbrush with you.

Tell her at least three times a day she’s beautiful. She can’t hear it enough.

Don’t touch her breast while giving her a hug; rub her lower back instead.

Give her a foot rub often, the way she likes it.

Don’t pee in the shower with her there.

Shave every day you see her.

Don’t tell her her butt is big. Instead do more athletic activities together and feed her low fat foods.

Get all the past girlfriend and ex-wife pictures out of sight.

Buy baby wipes and put them next to the bed for after making love.

If she won’t make love, don’t say, "Well, then can I jerk off on your face?"

Ask her permission before you assume she wants to go grocery shopping with you, do your laundry, clean your apartment, see your movies.

If she asks if you’re in love with her, don’t say "Give me a break, I’m only 31."

Don’t read a whole issue of Business Week while sitting on the toilet while she’s in the other room waiting for you to return.

Wear her favorite men’s cologne, not yours.

When you’re listening to her ideas, don’t say, "Whatever works."

Don’t ask a woman, when she has a strong opinion, if she has PMS.

Pick up the towel off the bathroom floor and hang it up.

Have nice facial soap and a beautiful soap dish.

Read the Emily Post book on etiquette.

Use two-ply toilet paper.

Shower before you go to bed with her.

Always keep a stack of white fresh towels ready for use.

Save a place in your medicine cabinet for her personal items if she spends the night.

Keep candles and classy candle holders in your dining room, living room and bedroom.

Have a matching set of water glasses. Not glasses that you’ve stolen from all the bars you’ve visited.

If you are dating other women, keep your message machine on silent so she won’t hear other women’s messages.

Don’t listen to your messages in her presence, if you suspect they might upset her.

Clean your hairbrush and combs often.

Don’t call her generic names that you’ve called other women, such as babe, Hun, sweetie.

Leave little notes for her.

If you want to impress a woman with your home, here are some guidelines that are sure to work.

Stay away from brown, tan and earth toned furniture.

Sofas should be clean and in good condition.

Don’t use cardboard boxes for coffee tables.

Real wood furniture instead of pressed wood is a bonus.

Keep the coffee table free of magazines, unpaid bills, and old newspapers.

Keep your hobby paraphernalia in one place.

Get a real comfortable king size bed.

Have matching bedroom furniture.

A woman will stay at your place if she feels comfortable, safe and secure. Keep it light and bright. Not dark and dank.

Stay away from ground foam and feather pillow that poke their quills in your ears.

Buy a pillow cover for each pillow and wash them often.

Keep your bathroom mirror clean from floss and water marks.

Use a dust ruffle on your bed. Don’t just have the bottom box spring peeping out.

Use new candles with a new woman in your bedroom. Used ones will have her wonder who used them first.

Keep your condoms in a secret place for the first time with a woman. You don’t want to grab an open box in your night stand. She wants to feel that she’s the first in a very long time.

Keep a small stereo in your bedroom with plenty of romantic CD’s available.

Dust your house. Include all electronic appliances, books, shelves, lampshades.

Instead of having your shoes all around, keep them neatly in your closet.

Have a pitcher of water and nice water glass available by your bedside.

Clean out your drawers and throw away or store old love letters and cards.

Most women are snoopy. Keep old journal, phone books, and secrets out of sight.

Buy new underwear and throw away the old, stretched-out baggy shorts.

Stay away from all brown clothing. It’s not sexy.

Have a crease in every pair of pants, except Levis.

Have pleats in all your dress pants.

Wear only new belts that are not worn, the holes aren’t stretched out and the buckle is shiny.

Polish your shoes.

Wash your sneakers.

Wear classy muted color shirts, or bright colored shirts.

Match your belt to your shoes.

Have a very thin wallet. At the most, keep it to the size of a bi-fold. Better yet, use a credit card holder for your wallet.

Keep your hair soft and clean, and well groomed.

Press all shirts and pants. Use starch and an ironing board.

Have a sport and dress watch.

Wear your pants at your waist line. Wearing them below the waist causes poopy butt look. A very unsexy look.

Smile all the time. If you have a mustache, this is particularly important because mustaches make men look as if they’re frowning.