Men Would Never Wear Pantyhose

by Wendee Mason

Pantyhose bugs me. A man wouldn't never wear a pair. But I think pantyhose was invented by a man long ago because cave women hadn't discovered razors yet. It's a sexist custom that continues today, even in 100 degree heat. I'm wearing pantyhose tonight because some man, a long time ago, convinced me I was more beautiful with them. I am wearing a brand new pair, but it took a few tries.

The first pair that I put on  had a huge hole in the crotch. Don't ask me how it got there, I haven't a clue. All I know is when I sat down the whole grew exponentially and almost split in two. I took those off and threw them away.

The second pair I put on had baby snags all up and down both legs. Probably a result of washing them in the washing machine with a bunch of zippers. This pair was too ugly for words. They joined the first pair in the trash.

The third pair which I took out from the bowels of my drawer were perfect. Fresh, new-ish, even were the expensive control top variety. I carefully slipped in one leg, then pointed my other foot to slip in the second leg, and then it happened. My ring caught on the stocking right in the middle of the leg and a beautiful, symmetrical run ran up and down the entire leg within seconds. I was tempted to cut off the leg and save the good leg, but I didn't have a matching leg to be found. Besides that, wearing TWO control tops is just too much in this weather, no matter how badly I need my stomach sucked in.

The fourth pair came directly out of the package. $4.99. I took off all my rings, bracelet, and watch. I narrated as I put them on each leg as if it was an Olympic event.

'There she goes lady and gentlemen, the first toe is in. Now watch this, look how easily she slips that hose over her right calf and up her thigh. Not a hitch. Now comes the hard part. She gathers the other leg in her hand, bunching it up on her toe...look at those pointed toes...and YES! up the leg the second one goes. Can she do this part without having points deducted? She's standing up, carefully grabs both sides of the panty part with both fists, being careful not to poke a hole in the sides with her luscious fingernails. LOOK AT HER SLITHER THAT CONTROL PANTY OVER THAT GOB OF FAT...IT'S INCREDIBLE! Yes, she is almost finished... just one sweep of the palms of her hands over her legs for the finishing touch, and she's done! Wasn't that beautiful? All that practicing has really paid off today, she can be proud of this accomplishment! She gets the gold pantyhose award!'"

Oops, I got so excited I almost lost my tampon. Almost needed a new pair.