How to Flirt Without Feeling Foolish
By: Wendee Mason, MBA

Eve, the inventor of flirting knew what she was doing. Adam felt like a real man around her. She complimented him, gave him the spark to pursue. Of course, there wasn't much competition back then.

Today, flirting is an even more important part of the communication ritual between men and women. It initiates everything. Flirting is the signal that it's okay to approach and speak. Flirting shows appreciation, attraction and interest.

Flirting is genuine and sincere. It makes the receiver feel special, without feeling pressure. It makes both people feel good about themselves. Flirting can be a gift of a compliment, a grateful look, and a way to break down defenses.

Flirting is Not Hustling

Hustling is leading another on, making crass or offending remarks with sexual innuendos, and inappropriate touching. Hustling makes the other party feel uncomfortable. It is excessive, insincere flattery, conspicuous lip licking, or running a toe up your prospect's leg. Hustling is making moves to attack and conquer regardless of the other person's feelings.

Women are trained to be subtle in the art of dealing with men. Our mothers taught us how to flirt, how to be coy, how to get a man to think it was his idea to ask you out. Sometimes women don't even know what they are doing is flirting. Women flirt more naturally than men, but men can benefit a great deal if they practice flirting.

Benefit to flirting

The major benefit for the flirter is the gift of attention they give the recipient. When a flirter pays a compliment, shows interest and attention with a casual and honest approach, they make the prospect (flirtee) feel appreciated and desirable. In turn, the prospect thinks more highly of the flirter and of themselves. Flirting leads to higher self-esteem of both parties.

What to Look For

We are naturally attracted to people with a sparkle in their eyes, eyes that say someone is home. Most people like the natural look, someone who holds themselves well, good posture, a warm genuine smile, and body language that projects confidence. Men like women who are compassionate, yet not mothering. Women like men who are confident, but not pushy or overbearing. A man who will listen, but will allow her to solve her own problems.

Beauty is not necessarily on the top of the list of desirable traits to look for. A person who is well dressed, as well as well kept, is more important. Most people look for the qualities that are invisible to the eye. A beautiful person may get more opportunity than an average looking person, but often they don't get a second date.

Body Language

How do you know if someone is interested in you? Look for the nonverbal signs. Are they leaning forward, facing you directly, sitting on the edge of the chair? Maybe they are tilting their head, smiling or moistening their lips. Other less obvious signals are playing with their hair or clothes, picking lint off your jacket or shirt. Perhaps they touch you briefly, pace, squint, put their hand to the bridge of their nose or hold their glasses' earpiece in their mouth.

Signs of defensiveness, frustration or anxiety include people who do not look at you, clear their throat, fidget and sweat. They may be wringing or clenching their hands, biting their lower lip or inside their mouth, chewing on straws or biting their fingernails. Some nervous people may frown, rub the back of their neck, or constantly run their fingers through their hair. When sitting, they may cross their arms at their chest, keep their hands in a fist, cross their legs, stoop over, put objects between themselves and you.

Not all negative body language indicates they are not interested. It may show they are so nervous they are afraid to risk rejection, so they would rather not take the chance of an exchange in the first place. Some people don't realize they are sending negative body language signals. The pursuer may want to go ahead and give a flirting signal in spite of the negative body language. They may be pleasantly surprised to find a positive response.

Flirting Techniques

The following are simple flirting techniques that you can do with anyone, anywhere. They are innocent signals and gestures designed to attract attention and make the other person feel flattered.

The most common flirting signals are smiling, acknowledging someone by waving or nodding, tilting your head. You can ask a question or directions, make eye contact (not staring) or raise an eyebrow. Batting eyelashes, playing with hair, jewelry or earrings is used by many women as subtle flirting techniques. Men can beckon with their finger or hand, hand their business card, shake hands with an extra squeeze, and send cards, gifts, or flowers.

When in a bar or restaurant, raising a glass in salute across the room, over-tipping, writing and sending a note, winking, or looking over the tops of eye- or sunglasses are effective.

Flirting while driving takes more creativity. You can honk your horn playfully, make faces, (not obscene), whistle, wave, or wrinkle your nose. If you have a cellular phone, point to the phone and have your number preprinted on a large sheet of paper, or have other messages ready to show through your window.

While out in public on a sidewalk, you can drop a pen, coins, purse, wallet. Students can drop books, papers, newspapers or magazines. Offering help is a form of flirting, opening doors, pulling out chairs, helping with coats.

In grocery stores, you can follow someone around, or hang around the produce department as you check out the produce. When checking out, get ready to make jokes or comments about items in the store, such as the checkout magazines or newspapers to a nearby listener. You can tap your watch and ask for the time, or compliment them on how healthily they eat.

Flirting Props

An easy way to flirt is to always have a prop with you. You can carry around a singles book with a catchy title and be sure others can see you're reading it. You can walk your dog, carry a camera along with you and take pictures. You can wear an interesting T-shirt that says something controversial or about what you do. You can have a vanity license plate or a bumper sticker on your car.

An essential prop is your Flirting Calling Card. It should be simple, elegant, and eye catching. Perhaps it can have a personal logo or saying. A friend of mine has his name and telephone number printed on his card. Under his name it says "Since 1954." Other statements you can put on your card are, "A man for all reasons," "Shy 10 seeks another 10" "Like to talk with you," "Hug specialist," "You make me speechless," "Stress reducer or inducer," "Do you have a position I can fill?" Have fun with your Flirting Calling Card. Be creative and pass them out everywhere.

How to Start a Conversation

The easiest way to start a conversation is to introduce yourself with, "Hello, my name is ______ , what is yours?" You could say "Would you like some conversation?" Notice what the other person is doing and make a comment about it, for example, "It looks like you really love ____________, how did you get interested in it?"

You can use a more direct approach such as," You are the sexiest man/woman at this party and I felt compelled to come over and tell you." "Would you like to dance? I'll let you lead or follow, whichever you prefer." "My goodness, you're gorgeous." " Are you married?"

Animal lovers can use the line "My dog/cat wants to meet your dog/cat but he's too shy, so I told him I would introduce him."

If your Flirting Calling Card is available, hand your prospect your card and can ask them to call you so you can take them out for coffee. Here is an effective opening;

" Hello my name is ___________ and I couldn't help but notice you across the room. I want to give you my card because I am single and would like to have the chance to get to know you. I know this is forward, and sort of scary for both of us. I won't ask you for your number, but all I want is ten minutes of your time over the phone, so we can talk when you feel safe. I don't know where this may lead, but I do know if I didn't take the chance to say hello, I may regret it for the rest of my life. Please feel free to call me, here is my card."

How to Say No

It seems that women have a particularly hard time saying no to men, friends, and anyone who requests something from them. Women are taught to please and put others first. As a result they become over-burdened with responsibilities and commitments. Some men also have this problem, but as a whole, have a much easier time with the word no.

Here are some simple phrases you can use when you don't want to do something: " No, thank you." "Thank you for asking, but no." "Thank you, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested." "Not right now, but I may take you up on your offer later." "Thanks for asking. If I were feeling better, I'd take you up on your offer." "Thanks for the compliment, maybe you could give me your number instead?" "Why aren't you sweet, if I wasn't attached I'd jump at your offer." "This is flattering, but I'm not interested." "I'm sorry, this is not a good time for me. My dog just died."

If someone asks for your number and you don't want to give it to them, you can say," Thanks for asking but I have some unfinished business and I'm emotionally unavailable right now."
If you want to take their number you can add," But perhaps you can share with me your number and if my situation changes, I'll be happy to contact you."

You can prevent someone trapping you in the first place if you preface your meeting with," I'm supposed to meet a friend in a few minutes. If s/he doesn't show up, I'm going after him/her." Another way to do this is ,"I'm leaving soon, but I wanted to meet you before I did. Can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

This way the other party knows you have a limited amount of time to get acquainted and you can leave gracefully. If it turns out they are very interesting, you don't have to go home or search out that friend.

Flirt, Flirt, Flirt

Flirting is a very valuable communication and self-esteem skill. Flirters make things happen. They are not content to wait passively for others to make them feel good. Flirting is a gift and you have that power to give to everyone. It is a skill that needs practice, so go ahead and make yourself, and somebody else feel special.