Is there life after marriage? For those of us who find ourselves single again after a spouse's death or divorce, we find ourselves asking many questions. When am I going to be happy? When am I going to find someone to love? When am I going to have sex again? (Not like you were all that sexually active during your marriage.) When is Mr. or Ms. "Oh My Gosh You're Gorgeous" going to take me away from this cramped apartment and unappealing refrigerated moldy food?
Adjustments to the single life can be traumatic. But there are ten steps that will make your transformation much easier.
Getting Adjusted to Being Happily Single
It takes awhile to get into a new lifestyle once you are alone. One obvious adjustment is your grocery shopping habits. No longer is it necessary to buy bulk from the warehouse stores. One day you're buying 200 chicken pieces in a flash frozen bag, the next day it's chicken unit dose dinners.
Getting comfortable being single is not always easy to do. Rediscovering that you can do things and go places without another person can be painful at first. Go out to a restaurant alone and start feeling comfortable without a partner at your table. Bring a book, listen to a portable stereo, bring a note pad and pen. Better yet, look for another single person and ask them if they would like to join you for the meal.
When going to a movie, scan the place first and sit next to another single (hopefully of the other sex.) Practice your conversation skills and smile. They probably feel uncomfortable going to the theater alone too.
Once a partner's wishes and desires are no longer a part of your decision-making process, some people have a hard time figuring out what they really want to do with their spare time. Beyond working, caring for the house and children, free time feels almost foreign. This is a perfect opportunity to start a hobby or activity. A good choice that leads to meeting many people is dancing. Whether it's country western, ballroom, jazz or disco, dancing lets you keep your heart rate up and puts you in contact with lots of other single people. The closeness while dancing also satisfies the hunger for that touch singles have.
Become interesting
Have you ever noticed in restaurants you can always tell who are new lovers, and who have been together for awhile? New lovers smile, touch and talk, while others eat and stare. If you've been spending years eating in silence during your meals, having a four-hour conversation over a romantic dinner could be an uncomfortable challenge. Your past relationship horror stories have no place as the center of conversation on your first four dates.
The most interesting people you will be with are the ones that have developed the skill of asking interesting questions. The most boring people talk about themselves a lot. If you have found a lull in the conversation, try not to fill in the blank about yourself. Ask a question that will promote a lively conversation. Try preparing interesting questions in advance to discover character traits of your new date such as, "If you had a dinner party for six people, dead or alive, who would they be and what would you talk about?" That question is good for a half hour conversation. "If you had unlimited money, what would you do with it to give you maximum satisfaction," is a question that leads to finding out a person's character, how he views money, and what he might do for the world if given a chance. If you would end world hunger, and your date wants to have a collection of cars, you may have a conflict on how you handle money down the road. Remember; if you want to be interesting, be interested in the other person.
Get into Physical and Mental Shape
If you are newly single, and have been physically lazy in your previous relationship, now is a great time to rediscover the body you were meant to have. Get out and walk an hour each day. Take up a new sport, join a gym, do something that will reactivate your dead hormones and over-zealous fat cells.
While you're getting into physical shape, start expanding your mind. Join a community college class, a skill-building class, drama, church group, men's or women's support group, anywhere there are people learning new things. Read a new book, listen to audio cassette tapes, or see different kinds of films. Rediscover your local library and read different kinds of magazines. When your mental state expands, you won't have to worry what you will talk about next time you have a date. Your cup will be overflowing with all kinds of new information.
Come Out to Your Friends
How in the world are you going to get a date if you don't tell everyone you're single? Some people treat singlehood as a disease. They won't tell their friends and acquaintances they're available and ready to date. Singles need to do some heavy marketing! Get business cards and pass them out, tell your friends to look for eligible people for you to meet. Hold single dinner parties and invite single friends that will bring another single friend of the opposite sex. We need to get creative to meet new people to date.
Practice Dating
Many people would rather read a good book than date someone they are not interested in marrying. How do you know you don't like a person until you get to know them? Give everyone at least once chance to have a date with you. Always say yes to a lunch date. Keep first dates short (under two hours), in the daylight, and safe (drive your own car.) If we don't practice our dating skills all the time, when Mr. or Ms. Perfect shows up, you won't know what to do and what to say. The problem most people experience is they are relaxed with people with whom they don't really see a future, and turn to mush when they are really attracted to someone. The key to dating is DON'T BE ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOME. Then all dates can be relaxed and enjoyable.
See Other Singles With New Eyes
We are a very visual oriented society. Men and women size each other up in the first ten seconds by how they look and act. This approach is not always foolproof. It's amazing how a man's receding hairline seems to come forward the more you know and like him. She appears slimmer as her personality shines through. When we look at people through our heart instead of our eyes, we are going to be pleasantly surprised. The gift inside each person can only be discovered by talking with them. When we reject potential dates by their exterior package without investigating further, we may be cutting valuable people out of our lives.
Explore All Opportunities
Fear keeps most of us away from saying yes to different people and activities. Our minds go into the "What if..." mode and we can always think of dozens of excuses not to accept a date. Dare to risk. Make a promise to yourself you will explore all opportunities that come your way, even if you are unsure of yourself. This means that you can now create opportunities for yourself. Join single organizations and community organizations. The Jaycee (Junior Chamber of Commerce) is a great group of young people 21-39 that provides leadership skills, while helping the community. 95% of the Jaycees are single. They do something every day of the week!
Learn from Each Encounter
Not every date you have will be an award winner. There will be times that you want to pack it all in and go home. Don't worry, it's part of the dating learning process. The secret is to write down each experience, and review the mistakes you made and the lessons you learned. Each dating experience will be different. The key is to learn what works and what doesn't on a date. Some hints about what doesn't work... Talking about past relationships and your dysfunctional family are disastrous conversations. Talk about your passion and goals!
Have faith in the bigger picture
Consider dating a personal growth process of building your self-esteem. The more you date, and the better you get at it, the more you will know about yourself, and the higher your self-esteem will be. Just because a date hasn't progressed into a long term relationship, doesn't mean it was a failure. It's just one step in the process of rebuilding your life. When you become whole again without someone having to fill that big space your last relationship left, then you will be ready for a long term relationship. Until then, dating should be casual.
When Should I Become Intimate?
Many women face the problem of being pressured for an intimate relationship before they're ready. Hold off at least for ninety days. It's amazing how someone changes over the course of three months. If you still want an intimate relationship after ninety days, then you probably know that person well enough. Premature intimacy usually leads to the ending of the relationship. Because singles want to be held and nurtured, we frequently fall into a sexual relationship when we shouldn't. If you are easily seduced, stay out of situations that will promote this activity. Stay in public, avoid long evenings at each other's home. Make your evenings early, and don't drink alcohol. These tips will let you enjoy each other's company without feeling pressure for a more intimate relationship. A big teddy bear can help with the adjustment of going to bed alone. Just the feeling of holding something in bed can be very comforting. At least Teddy will be there when you wake up in the morning.