Duke and Duchess of Dating
by Wendee Mason, MBA
In dating, if we could be more like dogs, we'd have no problem meeting other people. Duke, my German Shepard, is a pro when it comes to meeting and approaching strangers. Today on our walk we met many people and dog prospects. This is Duke's approach to getting to know someone. He sees a prospect anxiously wags his tail (positive body language), and pulls me at breakneck speed with his leash toward his potential mate. (Duke is not afraid of rejection.) Once he's within greeting distance, he'll go around in circles sniffing the other dog to see if his prospect is his type. The getting-to-know-you stage of circling and sniffing takes about a minute. If all goes well, they'll make a date on the spot and start running and exploring together. Sometimes, Duke is too pushy and sniffs too soon or appears too willing, and his new prospect doesn't appreciate his forwardness. Duke received all growls and barks graciously, never barking in return, and continued along as if he wasn't rejected, looking forward to his next encounter. Today Duke was very successful. He met Duchess (no kidding), a beautiful Cocker Spaniel. Ordinarily, smaller dogs get intimidated by Duke's size, but Duchess had high self-esteem and seemed to enjoy the attention. Duchess' owner wasn't bad either!
If all singles were like Duke, we would all be paired up by now. Instead, some of us are alone, wishing for a partner, but filled with fear. Fear of rejection, fear of looking or sounding stupid, fear of commitment, fear of making a mistake, fear of hurting someone's feelings. The fear holds us back from approaching people and getting a date. Let's face it, if you're single and available, the hardest part about dating is meeting and approaching people. Saying those first few ice-breaking words can be difficult as well. You can't be a successful single by playing it safe. It's time to take a risk. We can't depend on our prospect's signals before we approach. They may not even see us. Be like Duke. Approach without fear and say hello. But in order to successfully pull off the approaching, meeting and greeting game, you need a strategy.
Strategy #1. Always look ready to meet someone. This means you walk out of your house expecting to meet a new prospect, and you're dressed accordingly. Put away those sweats and torn jeans. Take out that iron and ironing board and press those shirts and slacks. Women love a man who has creases in all the right spots, not looking like he has worn his clothes to bed. If you look like a ten, you'll be more confident when you come face to face with your prospect. We're a visual society, and others won't get to find out what a wonderful person you are if you don't project an appealing package first.
Strategy #2. Get out of the house. Your dream date is looking for you, and can't find you if you're hiding in your living room. Don't bring a friend along. You must venture out alone. This will force you to start conversations with prospects. A big mistake singles make is to go out with other singles. Then they sit together, talk together, and end up going home without meeting people, complaining there are no other single people to meet. Go places and do what you enjoy the most. If you dance, go to all the dance clubs. If you hike, join the Sierra Club. If you enjoy fine dining, join a gourmet dining club. You need exposure to the public at least three times a week. Men, if you want to be able to touch lots of women upon meeting them, take dance lessons. This is where all the women with rhythm are!
Strategy #3. Keep positive body language in public. Smile all the time. There is plenty of time to frown after you have found your mate. Keep an open stance. Don't cross your arms. Keep your head high, develop tall posture and learn to wink. Whenever you catch someone's eye, do a very subtle wink. If you feel your body heat up, you know you made a connection. Ten winks a day will develop into plenty of introductions. When you see someone you want to approach, take a deep breath and walk toward them with a big, warm smile.
Strategy #4. Develop a dynamite handshake. This is the only time you are allow to touch someone at such an early stage. Too many people make the mistake of a too fast, too hard, or too soft and wimpy handshake. The secret is to slow it down and connect the web between the thumb and the first finger with the other person's web. If you miss the web, use your other hand to hold on to their wrist so you can adjust the handshake for a better connection. Be sure to also touch the center of the palm of your hand to theirs. Many people have a hollow handshake with no palm connection. Be careful of your pressure- many women wear rings that can cause damage to their fingers if pressed too hard. When disconnecting the handshake, linger just a second as you pull away toward their fingertips. I like to connect all the way down the hand until our last fingers touch during the release. It's a different handshake technique that will be remembered.
Strategy #5. Always have your personal card ready to hand out. I am amazed that singles don't carry personal introduction cards to network with other singles. Most men don't even carry a pen with them. Part of seizing the opportunity is to be ready to hand your card to available prospects. It's better to keep your business cards for business. Design a personal card that will be an opening conversation piece. Put your name and voice mail number on the card, and a Post Office Box number. Then put a phrase on the bottom that represents your passion. This way, when you hand your card to a new person, the conversation will center around your interests. For example, I like dancing, so I would say, "Hustle, Salsa, Cha-cha too, tell me which dance you can do." If they're a dancer, I'll know immediately, and within minutes I'll have my first date set up for the next dance event. This will work for sailing, hiking, biking, running, or any sport, hobby or passion. It sure beats talking about work.
Strategy # 6. Learn the art of conversation. Forget about pickup lines. No one likes them. All singles are looking for a genuine, sincere conversation that is uplifting and positive. The first conversation will always be about how to remember your prospect's name. I like to anchor my name to a picture they can see, for example, Wendee, like the hamburgers, Mason, like the jars. Although I've been called hamburger jar many times in my life, not many people ever forget my name. Ask them to spell their full name if it sounds unusual. Anchor it to a picture as you're speaking. Most people don't put much effort into remembering others' names and need help. So help them remember yours! You can't get a phone call if you don't give out your last name! If you're a woman and scared to give your last name, use your middle name as your last name. Then be sure you give them your personal card with your voice mail number on it for future contacts.
Topics that are safe to talk about are hobbies, interests, sports, travel, and your passion. Stay away from conversations about past relationships, dysfunctional family, long laborious stories, and deep political or religious topics. Start all sentences with who, what, where, when , why, what if and how. These will bring interesting answers which you can play off into other topics. If you have a hard time conversing easily, come up with at lease three conversational topics. For instance, my personal favorite is, " If you were to have a dinner with six people, dead or alive, who would they be and why?" Or, "If you were to win millions of dollars, what would you do with your money to bring you the most satisfaction?" These answers will tell you a lot about a person.
Strategy #7. End the conversation with an invitation for a predate. At a party or social function, we often get stuck talking to just one person. I like to determine ahead of time how many people I want to meet that evening and figure out how long I have to converse with each person given the allotted time. At the end of your time with them, extend your hand and say, "I promised myself I would mingle, but I would like to continue our conversation over a cup of coffee, my treat. Would Saturday morning at 10:00 at Starbucks be good for you?" Then, just like in sales, smile and be quiet and wait for the response. You won't always get the date, but if you don't go for it and ask on the spot, you'll probably lose your nerve and never get the date. So risk feeling foolish and go for it. You lose nothing by asking. Keep all predates in the day light, in a public place and under two hours. Both people meet at a designated spot and keep it inexpensive and simple. After the predate is finished, if all goes well you can ask for an evening date. If the predate bombs, you can exit gracefully and tell them you enjoyed your time together.
Strategy #8. Learn to accept rejection. Let's face it, you're not going to be everybody's type. Keep your self-esteem intact by saying to yourself, "No matter what anybody thinks about me, I am a worthwhile person." When someone rejects me for a date, I sort of feel sorry for them. I'm a fun date, and they'll never get to experience spending time with me. So I move on and search out someone who can appreciate my company. When people judge you, it says more about them than about you. Forget it and don't take it personally. Just keep smiling, sniffing out prospects, meeting, and greeting. One day, you'll hand out your personal card that says, "If you love dogs, I'll paws for you," and that magical connection will be made with your Duke or Duchess.