Dating 101
Don't expect geometry quizzes
at this school; it's all about dates

Tuesday, December 19, 2000

  By Catherine Donaldson-Evans  New York——

When you step into Wendee Mason's classroom, be prepared for some rigorous homework.

But don't expect to be quizzed on the quadratic formula or the Battle of Hastings. In this Southern California school, you'll learn how to date.

"This is boot camp for dating," says the dynamic Mason, a 45-year-old New York native and divorcee. "I tell my students this will be a social life beyond belief."

Looking for Love in All the Right Places

Her San Diego "DateSmart" program, the only such school in the country, doesn't come cheap. There's a fee of $599 (early registration earns a $100 discount) plus a time commitment of 32 hours of in-class teaching, 32 hours of dating and 20 hours of "hunting" —— picking up potential courting partners in clubs and restaurants.

The most popular time to enroll? Between Halloween and Valentine's Day. "Right now, the phone's ringing off the hook," Mason says. "The loneliness factor goes way up for singles around the holidays."

Mason's students learn to be more open to romantic possibility but less sensitive to rejection: a tall order for many. She helps singles figure out their "non-negotiables" —— values or qualities they require. Some might only have eyes for non-smokers, spiritual types or health nuts, for example. Others can't have children, so prospects looking to procreate won't be a good fit. And Mason urges her followers to have good conversations early, but save sex for later.

Mason calls it the "eight-date, 90-day" approach: Waiting eight dates over three months before getting physical.

"The idea of getting people to talk before hopping into bed sounds like very, very good advice," says Charles T. Hill, professor of psychology at Whittier College in California and the author of the Boston Couples Study, which tracked successful relationships over 15 years.

'Ought to Be Taught in High School'

"This is a class that ought to be taught in all high schools," says recent DateSmart grad Chad Boyd, 33.

Boyd, a registered nurse, has found it difficult to establish relationships because he moves around so much. He's never been married but wants to find Ms. Right.

He's found new hope in Mason's class because he says her teachings inspire personal growth to make successful romantic partnerships possible.

"It allows you to date without getting involved as quickly," Boyd explains. "She slows down the passion part, so you're always evaluating what you really want instead of what your body wants."

Anatomy of a Class

The classes consist of 20 to 60 singles ages 25 and up, for a total annual enrollment of a couple thousand. Each of the nine sessions, including the introductory screening course, runs between three and four hours. There's plenty of outside homework in the form of dates.

Graduate Jane Lietz, 45, took the course twice. The second time Lietz met her match —— the man she thinks she'll marry. That was no easy feat considering how jaded she'd become about romance.

Lietz, who works in sales, learned to apply her on-the-job friendliness to her love life. She found men flocked to her when she became more relaxed and playful.

"Chances are, if you're looking for someone, you're not going to find him waiting in your bedroom or in your car," Lietz says. "I spent so much time waiting. ... In retrospect, I think, 'No wonder I never got married.'"

Inspirational Divorce

Ironically, Mason's divorce inspired the program back in 1991, when she needed to find a livelihood fast. The idea came, improbably, from her soon-to-be ex-husband.

"He said, 'Well, you've dated a thousand men before me, so why don't you teach a course on dating?'" Mason remembers, chuckling. She cold-called neighbors, charged only $39 and provided free dinners as incentives.

Since then, DateSmart has grown: There are about 5,200 graduates of the course.

"This isn't about snagging someone," adds Lietz, who now teaches the class with Mason. "It starts internally: You look at who you are, what you have to offer and what you want."