They say that breaking up is hard to do. It is, for those who need to
hang on. The emotional and physical ties that bind two people are overwhelming
if you find yourself in the position of needing another. Often staying together
for the wrong reasons is less painful than the pain of breaking up for the right
reasons.
For example,
I know self-employed, highly respected and prosperous businessman, who runs a
tight ship in his office. He's extremely handsome, super fit, stylish dresser,
wonderfully personable and expressive communicator with his clients, and a
straight shooter with his employees. He has the right touch of sex appeal, and
wholesomeness that makes you want to be his friend. He displays compassion with
a touch of strength and humor.
By looking
and talking to him you would never guess that beneath his extraordinary business
confidence he is “breakup Jell-O”. His business savvy does not translate to
his relationships. He claims he wants out of his relationship with his girl
friend and has been contemplating a breakup for sometime. Months have gone by. A
breakup could be years away. In business, he can make split second decisions
with the accuracy of a Superhuman machine. When it comes to women, Superman, he
is not.
Lois (Lane) really
has a Kryptonite hold on him. He
feels and looks like a worn out Clark Kent when he talks about her.
How can
strong people turn into breakup wimps? Take your pick. There is a buffet of
reasons people hang on to inappropriate partners. For starters, lack of a
backbone. Some find it easy to have business boundaries, but personal boundaries
are much harder.
Parent issues,
upbringing, lack of self-worth, and low self-esteem are reasons people hang on.
History plays a big part in how we handle our present. If one has always been
slow to separate, one tends to repeat the agonizing pattern.
FEAR factors
play a big part for some. People fear family and friends’ disapproval. Some
fear of the trauma of the breakup. Both men and women fear of making mistakes.
The result is guilt, depression, and tears. Some people are very analytical and
need to think breakups over for a very long time because they fear making a
wrong decision. Many stay with a BTN (Better Than Nothing) because they cannot
be sure if there is someone better out there. The hunt for a new person is
perceived as painful. Others don’t want to go through the holidays and special
occasions alone.
This man said
that this breakup is not according to his time line. He’s postponing it for
her sake, claiming little control of the situation. If he had his way, it would
be over. But she won't let be over. Really? It takes two people to continue a
relationship. When one person exits the relationship emotionally, there is no
relationship left. It’s officially over. Let everyone pick up their broken
pieces and put their life together. It
is a mistake to think that you are responsible for making your partner whole
before you leave them. The opposite happens. They have no incentive to become
whole as long as you are with them. Leave now, and they’ll heal sooner.
Breaking up
is hard to do. But do it anyway. Allow your partner to find someone more
suitable. Allow yourself the opportunity to find the kind of love you deserve.
Manipulating Methods to Make You Stay Together
Here
are some ways dysfunctional partners can make you stay in a relationship.
Become emotionally unstable and need help to become whole again.
Take depression medications.
Make you feel the bad relationship is your fault.
Become a financial disaster, and asks your financial assistance.
Become an irresistible sex addict so you can’t break up.
Refuse to move out of the house and throw a tantrum at the suggestion.
Bring more belongings into your house.
Cry every time the subject of parting comes up.
Won’t go to a counselor because you’ll leave the relationship.
Get the church and minister involved in the situation.
Decide God doesn't think breaking up is such a good idea.
Get the church congregation involved to keep you both together.
Get involved with your friends.
Your friends side with your partner.
Let you know you are his/her only resource.
Convince you everyone else has left, so you can’t leave
Convince you that the relationship is failing because you did not try
hard enough.
It's your fault they are unhappy.
You’ll burn in hell if you leave.
Tie up your nights so you have no time to be by yourself.
Won’t let you pursue your own interests.
Get upset when you want to have outside friends.
Make holiday plans with you at least 6 months in advance.
Make your birthday plans a year in advance.
Make the breakup a divorce instead of a girlfriend/boyfriend breakup.
Become physically and emotionally entwined.
Specialize in the “I can’t do anything without you” program.
Train you to feel useless without them.
Make it your job to help with every detail of their life.
You need to be needed, and they know it.
Convinces you that it will only take 3 more months before they can
breakup.
You wait three months and a three-month extension is waiting.
Shakeup a Breakup,
The Dirty Dozen Reasons Not to Makeup
1.
Your sizzle fizzles.
You find that you develop into someone else as the relationship matures. You are different than your partner wants you to be. As a result, you do not fully express yourself, for fear of disapproval.
2. Straight communication becomes hate communication.
You can no longer ask for what you want in the relationship. Your communication becomes less direct, and more manipulative, such as hinting, pouting, nagging, crying, screaming and fighting. You avoid some topics altogether.
3. Your kid is hid.
You no longer feel as if you can express yourself with the carefree nature of a child. Disapproval prevents your silly, playful side from being expressed. You used to laugh all the time. Now you’re a serious and boring adult.
4. You become the Right Knight.
Becoming right becomes more important than being happy in the relationship.
5. You start to part.
You grow individually, but not together as a couple. Each develops separate interests, passions, and friends.
6. Eat those sweets.
Once you have the relationship, you stop working on your emotional and physical health.
7. Your self gets shelved.
Your self-esteem and self-confidence lowers. You feel less sure of yourself at social gatherings and with new people. You turn down invitations from others that don’t include your partner.
8. Work comes first.
Intimate time together seems to be secondary to getting work and necessary chores done. Priorities change and the thrill of being along with your partner no longer has that exciting pull.
9. Status quo is the way to go.
The relationship never seems to make it to the next commitment step. Marriage is never discussed.
10. Self-service instead of community service.
You and your partner do not create a higher purpose in your relationship. Serving the community or the world is not on the menu of why you both are together.
11. Chemistry becomes a mystery.
The initial chemistry that attracted you fades and there is nothing of substance, such as values, morals, interests, careers, passions that serve as the glue for the relationship.
12. Crazy to lazy.
You both fail to put in the extra effort to make the other person feel special as you did in the beginning of the relationship.
1.
“This
is not working out for me. If it is not working for me it can’t work for
us.”
2. “I am no longer myself in this relationship. I need to end the relationship to reconnect with my authentic self.”
3. “I am no longer willing to walk on eggshells around you.”
4.
“I cannot pretend to be happy. I am not happy with our relationship. It
needs to end.”
5. “We are no longer healthy together as a partnership.”
6. “I am exiting this relationship to free us both to find more compatible partners.”
7.
“ Our behavior with each other is no longer acceptable to me.”
8. “ I no longer want to feel this way about myself. I am not being truthful about my needs. I need to be alone, not in a relationship with you.”
9. “I am unhappy. It is not your fault. It is my fault and I am going to leave this relationship and get happy.”
10.
“I cannot provide you with what it takes to make you happy. You
need to provide that.”
11.
“ I am no longer emotionally invested in this relationship. I
need to separate from you.”
12.
(You are the weakest link.) “Goodbye.”